Last week my short film series Dear Hope was released publicly.
I received lots of kind, thoughtful messages from friends and family and even from some strangers too!
I also received a few interesting comments from well-meaning loved ones. Comments like:
'You're gonna be a star’ and ‘I hope you get a big break soon'
I rolled my eyes when I saw these.
These types of comments shift the focus away from the joy of the present moment.
It implies that there is something bigger (and therefore better?) out there. And that whatever is happening now isn’t enough.
Who I am now and where I am now and what I’m doing now isn’t ‘enough.’ Enough for who?
That I need to be striving for more and achieving more. More what? Money? Fame? What?
There’s a difference between drive and ambition, and trying to fill a hole or find the piece that you've been told is missing and will complete you if you keep chasing it. Regardless of what ‘it’ is, with this kind of mentality, you will constantly seek approval from others and never, ever feel satisfied (cue Hamilton lyrics)
I know because I grew up with this kind of rhetoric around me. From people I loved, who meant well, but who couldn’t just leave it at congratulations…it had to be what else, what next, what more?
A few years ago my friend bought me a keyring that said You're Already There.
I felt my cheeks go red. I felt relieved and seen…and also a little ashamed and embarrassed that someone had clocked the pressure I put on myself, the high expectation and constant seeking of ‘what else.’
I also knew I wasn’t alone in this mentality. We exist in a culture of competitive hustling. (How many jobs are you juggling at one time? How many projects do you have on the go? Ugh, go away!)
These toxic thoughts were sucking the joy out of my life.
The keyring sparked a change in me.
I made a conscious effort to celebrate and appreciate myself more. I redefined ‘success’ and ‘achievement’ for myself and stopped taking these comments so personally. The people who say these comments mean well. In fact, they probably don’t even realise the impact of their words. They just define them differently than I do.
‘Success’ to me is knowing when I need to shut off from the world and have a duvet day. ‘Achievement’ is turning down an opportunity that doesn’t feel right.
I’ve decided that a thing is a Big Break if I label it a Big Break.
Previous big breaks have included:
💫 My baby cousin no longer trying to grab my glasses off of my face
💫 Having my first ever commission proposal accepted
💫 Honestly confiding in a friend when I was in a low period and since then our friendship has become deeper and we check in with each other regularly
Oh yeah and I’m not going to be a star.
I am a star.
Sometimes I twinkle really brightly and sometimes I glisten from a distance and sometimes I disappear behind a cloud or two when I don’t quite feel like facing the world.
Tell me, what moments in life do you define as your big breaks?
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Cheers!
I've just discovered your newsletter and this post really, really resonates with me. I too have had people say, 'you're going to go far!' whenever I've achieved something that I thought was already a Big Deal. And then I use the same language on myself, like, my first book deal (which previously I thought would be my crowning achievement) suddenly wasn't good enough anymore, I needed more otherwise I'd be one of those 'one time authors' (a totally made up concept) or I needed to publish something else with a bigger publisher, or needed to get into fiction or blah blah blah.
It's so hard to sit back and be happy where I am because I constantly feel that I haven't done enough. The goal posts move every time.
You're so right though, I am already there. This constant pressure to hustle reminds me of a line from the film 'Mona Lisa Smile' - 'The horizon is an imaginary line that recedes as you approach it'. The same could probably be said for this drive for 'success'.
I'm with you though, my new definition of achievement is turning down a client who isn't right for me. I'm awful at that and regret it every time. Achieving that will be glorious.
Kit